I was regretting the past
and fearing the future.
Suddenly my Lord spoke to me
“My name is I AM.”
The Lord paused,
I waited. The Lord continued.
“When you live in the past
with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not ‘I Was’.
When you live in the future
with its problems and fears
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not ‘I will Be.’
When you live in this moment
it is not hard. I am there.
My name is ‘I AM’.”
So many people are stuck in their past – in a negative way. It is important, and vital for your spiritual progress to recognise the value of the past, then leave it there – and move on.. And that’s what this lesson is all about.
I recently read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ autobiography, ‘Wheel of Life’. Now there’s a lady who has been to hell and back following her ideals, a very interesting life story. She raises some important points through her experiences:
There were no guarantees in life, except that everyone faces struggles. It is how we learn. Some face struggle from the moment they are born. They are the most special of all people, requiring the most care and compassion and reminding us that love is the sole purpose of life.
Every person goes through struggles in life. Some are great and some do not seem so important. But they are the lessons we have to learn. We do that through choice. In order to have a good life, and thus a good death, I tell people to make their choices with the goal of unconditional love, by asking, “What service am I rendering?’
Choice is the freedom God has given us; the freedom to grow and love. Life is a responsibility. I had to choose whether or not to counsel a dying woman who could not afford to pay. I made my choice based on what I felt in my heart was the right thing to do, even though it cost me my job. That was fine with me. There would be other choices. Life is full of them.
Ultimately, each person chooses whether he comes out of the tumbler crushed or polished.
She gives a wonderful example of the importance of forgiveness, a story about a German woman, Golda, whose family was taken by the Gestapo. She was the only survivor , purely because the gas chamber was so full that she – the last person to be pushed in – would not fit! ‘In order to fill their daily quota, they simply yanked her out and pushed her into the fresh air. Since she was already on the death list, they presumed she was dead and no one ever called her name again. Thanks to an unusual oversight, her life was spared.
She had little time to grieve. Most of her energy was consumed by the basic task of staying alive. To keep her spirits up, she imagined the camp being liberated. God had chosen her, she reasoned, to survive and tell future generations about the barbarity she had witnessed.
This was enough, she said, to keep her going through the harshest cold of winter. If she felt her energy fail, Golda closed her eyes and imagined the screams of her girlfriends who had been used as guinea pigs in experiment conducted by camp doctors, abused by camp guards or often both, and then she told herself, “I must live to tell the world. I must live to tell them the horrors these people committed.” And Golda nourished this hate and determination to stay alive until the Allied forces arrived.
Then, when the camp was liberated and the gates opened, Golda was paralysed by the rage and bitterness that gripped her. She did not see herself spending the rest of her valuable life spewing hatred. “Like Hitler”, she said. “If I used my life, which was spared, to sow the seeds of hatred, I would not be any different than him. I would just be another victim trying to spread more and more hate. The only way we can find peace is to let the past be the past.”
How do you explain someone like Golda who had experienced such cruelty and had instead chosen to forgive and love?
She explained that herself by saying, “If I can change one person’s life from hatred and revenge to love and compassion, then I deserved to survive.”
A friend channelled the following piece which puts this whole lesson in a nutshell:
We can never go backward in time,
we must always go forward.
We can take our memories,
these can be so silly, so small, so big, so beautiful
but to you they are so precious.
They can be a place, person or pet.
From time to time, we take them out the ‘storeroom’ of our heart and mind and live again a by-gone time.
But just as we store our joys and pleasure, we also store our guilt and heartbreak, and the times when we feel what we did was not good enough, we say; “If only I could do it all again, I would do things so differently.”
But we cannot, there is no going back, to the past; what’s gone is gone, what’s said is said, what’s done is done.
We must learn to go forward free of guilt and pain, for if we do not, the guilt and pain will fester in us just like a splinter left under the skin.
Remove a splinter and all that remains is a small wound that quickly heals.
We are taught to love and forgive others around us,
what about loving and forgiving oneself?
Why do we find this a hard lesson to learn?
Why are we harder on ourselves than those round us?
If we learn to go through our storeroom, laugh at the good times and put them back, but have the courage to take out all that gives us pain – SEE the mistakes WE made, admit the mistakes WE made, learn from the mistakes and forgive ourselves, then put them back in the storeroom
we will find it is lighter to hold, and it will leave more space in the storeroom for things to come; happier things, because we have learnt not to make the same mistakes again.
Now, we are truly free to go forward in time, there is no weight on our shoulders, we have spring-cleaned our storeroom, we have thrown out all the unwanted thoughts and guilt – no need to store them any more.
Over the last few weeks I have been pointing out the importance of being non-judgemental towards others, accepting others for what they are, not the way we think they should be. Forgiving others and letting go.
We were given this verse in our Reiki One workshop:
To ‘let go’ does not mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To ‘let go’ is not to cut myself off; it’s the realisation that I can’t control another.
To ‘let go’ is to admit powerlessness; which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ‘let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To ‘let go’ is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To ‘let go’ is not to care for, but care about.
To ‘let go’ is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
There is an excellent story about that in a Carlos Castaneda book, ‘The Second Ring of Power’.
Don Juan’s Lesson of the Snail – HOW TO LET OTHERS BE.
One day when I was with him in the city, I picked up a snail that was in the middle of the sidewalk and tucked it safely under some vines. I was sure that if I left it in the middle of the sidewalk, people would sooner or later have stepped on it. I thought that by moving it to a safe place I had saved it.
Don Juan pointed out that my assumption was a careless one, because I had not taken into consideration two important possibilities; one was that the snail might have been escaping a sure death by poison under the leaves of the vine, and the other possibility was that the snail had enough personal power to cross the sidewalk. By interfering I had not saved the snail, but only made it lose whatever it had so painfully gained.
I wanted, of course, to put the snail back where I had found it, but he did not let me. He said that it was the snail’s fate that an idiot crossed its path (!) and made it lose its momentum. If I left it where I had put it, it might be able again to gather enough power to go wherever it was going. The hardest thing for me was to let others be. (I LOVE that one!)
To ‘let go’ is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To ‘let go’ is not to deny, but to accept.
To ‘let go’ is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To ‘let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To ‘let go’ is not to criticize and regulate everybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To ‘let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and love for the future.
TO ‘LET GO’ IS TO FEAR LESS, AND LOVE MORE.
And there’s the real key; FEAR LESS, when you do that you become fearless. All of our fears are groundless, and they cannot take form and come into being, UNLESS WE LET THEM. This is why it is so important to stay centred in the NOW, taking each day as it comes, enjoying and appreciating all that we have, and refusing to let the ‘What ifs…..’ come into our energy field.
During a difficult hospital stay, which I had been ‘told’ by Spirit was going to happen, and I had also been ‘told’ that nothing would be found, and that everything was alright, I lapsed on the third morning, and while waiting for test results my mind went into “What if…?” And that’s when the tears started, and I lost it. Only for a few minutes, but it was a scared, horrible few minutes, in which my mind worked overtime on all the possibilities that could happen. As it was, my fears were groundless, because – as promised – they found nothing wrong, all tests coming back clear. Even though I was guided every step of the way, receiving the messages to help me along, there were still times when I ‘forgot’, and let the human negativities take over – AND THAT’S ALL THEY ARE.
As a human being we have both positive and negative energies, which we are learning to balance in order to create spiritual power. UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS WHY YOU SOMETIMES EXPERIENCE DOUBT AND FEAR – YOU’RE ONLY LEARNING HOW TO ‘JIGGLE’ YOUR ENERGIES. So each time you slip back into the negative way, REALISE why it’s happening, FORGIVE YOURSELF, then carry on. You don’t lose any brownie points because you slipped, in fact, Spirit probably let it happen to you so that you could get the understanding. It was a good lesson for me in the hospital, I only let it happen the one time, definitely didn’t like the feelings it produced, and so I made sure I stayed in the now the whole time after that.
The 14 days went swiftly by, with never a boring moment, never a wasted moment. And I came out feeling BETTER, even though all the doctors and pathologists were scratching their heads! They STILL are – thereby lies a story……….
When we were in the first year of our table learning group we had up to six Teachers who came to us every week, each with their own topic. Hagar was the one for our health problems, and I had plenty at the time! There had been childhood ailments of pneumonia, bronchitis and tuberculosis. Then in my 20’s and 30’s, female problems resulting in 7 operations within 10 years. I finally had a total hysterectomy and thought that was that! Wrong! Then it was mysterious lumps in the leg, treated for three years unsuccessfully. And now it had come to crop after crop of mouth ulcers, and a general feeling of being UNWELL most of the time. I was on 9 pills a day just to keep me going; eight of those being vitamin pills, and the remaining one was a hormone tablet – which, I had been told, I would have to be on for life. And certainly,
my body went hay-wire when they tried to give me an occasional rest from it. So I was quite a ‘challenge’ for Hagar!
When I asked for healing the advice came that I should wear a citrine crystal for a few months; not 24 hours a day – take it off at night. In the four months that I wore it weird and frightening things began to happen; I got pneumonia – for 24 hours, then all symptoms stopped! Then shingles; the big watery blisters at the waist, fever, pain – for 24 hours, then it went. Mysterious aches and pains everywhere; my hair was lank and greasy; the skin erupted in spots; tired; bags under the eyes. You name it – I felt like I had been put in the washing machine and was being pulled through the wringer! But at the end of the four months, when I no longer needed to wear the crystal, I was glowing! How could a little yellow crystal do all that???
The weeks went by, I was feeling so much better, but the one complaint that persisted was the mouth ulcers, anything up to 12 at a time, fresh crops appearing fortnightly. I asked Hagar for more help, and the advice came:
As each pill bottle becomes empty – do not replace it.
So over the weeks, one by one I stopped taking the pills – till only the hormone tablet was left: I COULDN’T do without that one!
Still the ulcers persisted, and I kept trying to work out WHY. Was there something that I needed to say? Was there something that I shouldn’t be saying? According to Louise.L.Hay this was due to ‘Set opinions. Closed mind. Incapacity to take in new ideas.’ I had never seen myself as closed minded, but I HAD been ignorant of Spiritual concepts. Could this be what my body was telling me? Every week I kept asking for HELP, and every week Hagar reminded me that I had not given up the final tablets. Oh but she didn’t understand – I couldn’t DO without THEM. Then finally the answer filtered through:
The hormone tablets are CAUSING the mouth ulcers.
OH!……… Alright then, I’ll give them away.
I had no idea what to expect, this was the same as going into an instant change-of-life. A friend had also had endometriosis, and when she had her hysterectomy they had refused to give her hormone replacement therapy, stating that the hormones caused the complaint. She went to hell and back in the first year; hot flushes, severe PMT symptoms, you name it. To my delight I experienced a few ‘power surges’ – and that was it! And the mouth ulcers worked their way out of my system in a few short weeks. Now I was feeling GREAT.
A few months later my father moved into our district and asked to be recommended to a new doctor, I took him along to the one that the family had been going to for years. After Dad’s first visit the doctor took me to one side and said, “You haven’t been in for your hormone tablets for a while Jackie.” – “No. I don’t take them anymore.” – “What!” Then proceeded to give me a big lecture with the prospect of, in ten years, having a bent back and broken hip if I didn’t go back onto them. “But I’m feeling the best I have in years!” (I had been taking those pills for 9 years)
He then asked what the brand was, and oh yes, they DID have some side effects, including mouth ulcers. The modern day ones were much better, and he ‘just happened to have’ a free sample. “These are made from horse’s hormones” as he pushed them across the desk. “Oh great!” I thought, “I’ll be whinnying round the paddock next!” – “And our old dog was incontinent, we put her on these, and she’s fine now.” – “Excuse me! I haven’t got THAT problem either!” I took the packet from him, but as soon as I got home I put them in the bin.
Several weeks later I was round at the doctors with Dad again, and on our way out the doctor put his arm around me and asked how I was going with the new tablets. “I was a naughty girl and put them in the bin.” He just shook his head as if to say, “Well I’ll be seeing you in ten years – and it will be too late then.”
Now, we were just newly ‘on the Path’, certainly strange things had been happening, and it was wonderful to be talking to these Spirit Teachers – but we had had no real ‘proof’ yet that this was not just our imagination, or some strange workings of the mind – and the doctor’s words lingered in my thoughts. Then the what ifs started: What if this is a stupid thing to do? In 10 years it could be too late, I might end up in a wheel chair, or with a walking frame – how awful! Should I really be trusting this? What if it is just myself, at some deep level, that just wants to be off all these pills, and this is the way I coped with it?
But Spirit was definitely with me, and the proof came not two weeks later: I went for my annual dental check, scale and clean. When the dentist finished he commented. “You are going to have to come and get this done 6 monthly Jackie, your body is making so much calcium I can’t keep up with it – you’ll never be an old girl with a broken hip.”
Somehow my body was compensating. That was 11 years ago, and I have never felt better in my life – and my teeth are still strong and healthy, I’ve had one filling in all that time. No aches or pains in the joints either, and no broken bones despite a couple of heavy falls.
But that was only the beginning…….. as we really started to work on ourselves Spiritually we got all kinds of strange body sensations happening, all four of us. Every week there were requests for this to be healed, and that to be fixed. Finally, one week Ruby said, “I’m fed up asking for bits and pieces to be healed, can I ask for a complete healing of the mind, body and soul?” And the table rocked backwards and forwards in response. So we ALL said, “Can we do the same?” YES! THIS WAS WHAT THEY HAD BEEN WAITING FOR. So that night we asked for ‘the works’. We had no idea what a Pandora’s Box we had opened!
Jim and Brenda had had very little illness in their lives, and therefore no chemical residue in their bodies. But I had my medical background, and Ruby’s was even worse – so we were the two who had to go through the most. With that request our bodies literally went into reverse-healing mode; replays of old illnesses coming forth again, the memories of which were to be erased from the cells. Not an easy process!
On top of that our bodies were taking on huge amounts of energy as the chakra systems were brought into full play, and the main side effect of that was WEIGHT GAIN. At the height of it all Jim and I BOTH put on 3 and a half stone each! At exactly the same rate! We were not FAT, we kept the same basic shape, we just got BIGGER! NO diet would work – in fact, the body reacted violently – we were told to just let it happen;
When the process is complete your bodies will return to normal, without the need of diet or exercise.
Both Ruby and Brenda also experienced the change of body shape. God certainly works in Mysterious Ways.
We got used to all the things that were going on, and we stopped looking on it all as being ‘something wrong’, we realised that this was a wonderful process that our bodies were going through. Also that it had to happen gradually, and in stages, in order for our bodies to be able to cope.
The biggest challenge was when Jim and I went away on a six month world trip - everything started to come to a head then. I woke up one morning with strong pain either side of the navel. Was it something I had eaten? The pain persisted – for days. It got to the stage where I could not bear anything around the waist, yet I was assured that there was nothing to worry about –
A great healing is going on. No need to go to the doctor, they would not be able to find a thing, and you do not need any painful tests at this point.
I stuck it for a week, it was getting worse, until one night I made the resolve that this MUST be something serious, tomorrow I would HAVE to go and see a doctor. The next morning the pain had moved, -down into the left side. Over the next few months that pain then went into the left groin, then the right one (it felt about the size of a grapefruit then, yet daily it diminished in size, until it felt like a pea. Then it stopped.) Then down the right side. In the neck, behind the ears, over the sinus area. Under the arms. In the buttocks, down the backs of the legs. At one point I felt as though my ribs were being pushed out and out, and my breathing suffered. At one point I was in so much pain, and felt so fragile, that I commented to Jim “I feel that if you just put poked me with your finger, I would break in a million pieces.” And yet, at the time, everyone was commenting, “How well you
look Jackie.”!! On the outside maybe - inside I felt like I was DYING.
Strangely enough, even with all this going on, we did not let it spoil our holiday, the main restriction being that I could not walk far, and we worked around that. By the end of the holiday I had developed a really bad cough, and was still in lots of pain. A farewell party was being held for us, but Jim’s sister would not let me do a thing. Bored, I sat and read the weekend paper from cover to cover – something I rarely do. In the Women’s Section an article caught my eye, it was about lymphatic massage. They claimed that it was proving to be very successful in the treatment of fine lines and creped skin, the reason being that the lymph's are the garbage disposal unit of the body. They were situated either side of the navel, in the groins, under the arms, in the neck, across the face, in the buttocks…………AHA!
I went to the medical book and looked up the chart of the lymphatic system – it covered every area where I had been experiencing pain. So THIS was what was happening to my body! The lymph's had swung into overtime to clear the toxins – without the usual tell-tale red line when there was an infection.
I found this to be very comforting news, and when we tuned in to Spirit, my thoughts on the matter were correct. Now that I had REASONS, I could carry on.
We had booked a three day stopover in Honk Kong on the way back home – but how was I going to cope? On the way over I coughed and sneezed continually – yet ate every meal that was put in front of me – and later discovered that I had lost half a stone?! We booked into our hotel, went to bed, and slept for 17 hours! When I woke, the pain had gone! In those three days I walked eight hours a day with no ill effect. But on the last night I commented to Jim that I felt it was coming back. By the time we landed in Perth it was full-on again, and two days later I HAD to go to bed and just let it take its course. They saved ‘the best for the last’ – I was really glad it was MY toilet that I was retching down!!!!!
All the while I was being assured by Spirit that a great healing was taking place, that when it was complete I would look back on all of this, and not regret a single stage – for the outcome would be perfect health. And so I trusted that.
I ‘limped along’ to Christmas, doing less and less, and having afternoon rests – something I have NEVER done. The breathing got more and more difficult, the weight dropped about a stone - but then I was only eating cracker biscuits and water – everything else was absolutely abhorrent. The family watched poor Mum with anxious eyes, even though I kept assuring them that everything was alright. Yet it was amazing; any Spiritual get-togethers or counselling that I had to run I would be perfectly normal the whole time, even though ten minutes before the people arrived I would be desperately trying to get air into my lungs – and ten minutes after they left, I would be doing the same! It was those kinds of things that assured me that this whole thing was Spiritual, and that’s
what kept me going.
In the January Barbara McGregor was coming to Perth with her Reiki seminar. Jim and I always went as helpers, we had been doing that for four years, and I did not intend for this year to be any different. It was held at the Education Centre in Fremantle. On the first night we could not get parked near the building, so by the time I had walked the couple of blocks I had just about had it! I stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked up in dismay – it might as well have been Mount Everest! It took me about five minutes to get up, stopping for breathers on each landing. I fell into the nearest chair in the seminar room – yet our daughter Kerry walked up and said, “You’re looking good tonight Mum.” !!!!!!!!!!
I was always asked to speak at these gatherings, for we have had some amazing Reiki experiences, but that night I felt that I was the worst advert for Reiki on this planet! And I sent the message that I NOT be asked to speak this time.
As Barbara went into her talk I seemed to hear, for the first time, her comments that when you are attuned to, and work with, Reiki – you, yourself, are also healed, and that the body goes into a reverse-healing mode. I HAD NEVER HEARD HER SAY THAT BEFORE, but it was CONFIRMATION of all that Spirit had been saying to me – and it made me feel much better. At the interval I went up to speak to Barbara to explain why I had requested not to speak, I only got as far as, “It all began last August……..” and burst into tears! I continued to sob throughout the meditation – but did I feel good at the end of it! In the final singsong for the night, I stood up and sang The Rose with gusto – something I had never been able to do before; the words always get me. I felt so good at the end of the night I announced that I would be
back to do the rest of the seminar as usual.
On the Saturday morning I got up, showered – and came back absolutely DONE. Jim would only go if I promised to go to bed for the weekend - which I gladly did. On the Monday night he was going off to help in the second level. I sat and watched TV till 8.30 when I was absolutely exhausted! No point in sitting here like this – I went back to bed. The sheer effort of doing that found me panting, heart racing, and a searing pain in the centre of the chest. I was in BIG trouble, I would HAVE to go and see about this.
When everything settled down I was prompted to do a writing – it confirmed my thoughts. But I thought, “I’ve lost it! I couldn’t see it through. I’ve failed.” They then changed the subject for a couple of paragraphs, then came back to the subject;
You have not failed, it is time to go to the doctor, make an appointment for tomorrow. Stay in the Now, all is well. We are with you.
When I showed it to Jim later, he calmly said, “Right, let’s do it.”
The following day found me in the doctor’s waiting room. How could I explain letting myself get so bad? When it was my turn the doctor picked up my file, looked at my big swollen body and said, “Jackie?” It was three years since he had seen me last, and I had been a size 10 in those days – now I was an 18! I ‘garnished the truth’ and said we had just come home from a long trip, I had gotten the flu, and I couldn’t shift the cough. He sounded me out then said, “I’ll have to send you for an X-ray before I can treat this.” Oh, this sounded good – perhaps some antibiotics and a cough bottle?
Round at the radiographers I was waiting for the pictures to take back to the doctor. But I was asked to come in to get some more taken before I could get dressed. “Are you a heavy smoker?” – “No, I’ve never smoked in my life.” – “Ever lived in Wittenoom?” – “NO!” (for those not familiar, multiple cases of asbestosis resulted from working with asbestos there) Two more pictures were taken, then I was told I could get dressed. I mentioned that I had to take them straight round to the doctor – “My word you do.”!! Then as I waited in the waiting room for them I was asked to come and get undressed again, “We’ve rung your doctor about these X-rays, and he wants more pictures done.” When I went through they had the complete set up on the lighted board, ooohing and aaahing – but not a word to ME
about what they had found! (You’re just the piece of meat!)
Back round at the doctors he opened the envelope. As he looked at the first picture his chin just about hit the desk. Without any more to-do he pushed them back saying, “Well, Jackie, there’s nothing I can do to help you. You’re going to have to go straight to the emergency section of Fremantle Hospital” As he handed me the package his words were, “Well you KNOW, you’re a very sick lady.” My mental response was, “Sick? I’m not SICK. Tired – yes, but not sick.” As we sat waiting for the accompanying note for the hospital it suddenly all sank in, and the chin started to tremble. Jim instantly reminded me of the message from the night before,
Stay in the NOW.
Right! But I felt that I had got on the merry-go-round, and now I couldn’t get off!
As soon as I got to Emergency they put me on oxygen????? And when it was finally my turn we had TWO cubicles, not just one – every trainee in the place was there to see this, for the X-rays had shown that the entire right chest cavity was filled to the shoulder with fluid, and the lung had collapsed. No-one had ever been seen in this state still standing up and walking around!
We had read the letter on the way (we’re only human!), but could hardly make it out. Now all questions were clearly geared to this being cancer! Negative replies to all of them. Then they asked what my parents died of, with Mum it had been a heart attack at 64, with Dad – lung cancer. AHA! Jim added he was 84 – OH! (that was a bit disappointing, tee-hee)
We were there for hours while they took all their samples and checked me all over, finally someone asked if we would like a sandwich and a cup of tea – yes please! Just as it arrived a nurse came bustling in explaining that she was going to help me while they took some fluid out from my back. “This is not just a little needle like a blood test, this is a BIG needle, and I mean BIG. And I wouldn’t touch any of that – most people throw up.” Charming bedside manner, tee-hee.
As they prepared me I mentally surrounded myself with the Light, I knew Jim was doing the same. As the needle went in I focused fully on God – and hardly felt a thing. Within minutes they had syphoned off half a litre! A great gasp went up. And I felt so much better. As they finished I said, “Hand me that food, I’m starving.” I thought I would be allowed home after that – but no, they wanted to do A LOT more tests, and so I was going up to the Oncology ward. Into a private room! (and we have no special insurance)
I was really tired by now; six and a half hours on that trolley and all the prodding and poking – that bed looked GOOD. As I closed my eyes I felt as though I levitated several inches above the mattress, and suddenly a figure in white appeared at the head of the bed. It was Sai Baba! When I saw him I knew that even though this all looked so bleak, I had done the right thing, and I was in the right place. We have never been devotees as such, and yet he has featured a lot in our learning over the years.
The next day the big tubes went in, and over the next two days they got 9 LITRES out of the chest!! And I lost 2 and a half stone. Bonus! They reckoned there was the same again in the stomach – ultra-sounds showed nothing; they couldn’t see a thing because of all the fluid in there! No wonder I had got so big. On the third morning I got out of bed early and was sitting looking out of the window, I still had the tubes in, but was feeling so much better – and lighter! Suddenly the thought came in, “What if – they find cancer?” And my stomach twisted in fear. I immediately counteracted the thought, thinking that Reiki might be the answer then. Perhaps my books would be all about the healing in that manner. But those fear thoughts produced the tears – and at that moment in
walked one of the doctors with his assistant. He was carrying a thick file – the test results. He saw my tears and said, “You must be so worried about yourself.” I assured him I wasn’t – but it must have sounded pretty hollow, coupled with the tear-stained face. He sat silently, she put her arm around me. Oh no! They had come to give me ‘the chop’. I realised later that they were merely waiting for me to get a hold of myself! At last he opened the file and began, “I’m terribly sorry Mrs Lindsay………….but we can’t find a single thing wrong with you. I’m going to have to go away and do some serious reading, I’ve never seen a case like it.”
I COULD HAVE KISSED HIM!
That was the last time that I allowed myself to slip out of the NOW. The following days were filled with tests of all kinds - for now they wanted to know past medical history too. One day Jim arrived to see me and they were all in a huddle outside the room. “Oh Mr Lindsay, is there anything you want to know about your wife’s condition?” – “No thanks, we understand what is going on.” – “Well we wish WE did!”
Another day they were all around the bed asking questions about past complaints. I told them about the lumps in my right leg – which had now completely gone, without medication. But there were still some in the left leg. The registrar mused out loud, “I wonder why the ones in the right leg disappeared? Before I knew it I heard coming out of my mouth – “I know you guys don’t believe in mind, body and soul – but I believe they went when I forgave my father.” – “Oh really!” (with a little prune mouth). “and what do you put the ones in the left leg down to?” – “Oh that was because I needed to forgive myself” - “Were you in trauma at the time? – “Oh no, it was from five years before – it takes time to come out in the body.” THAT was totally ignored,
The next day a fifth year doctor came to see me on her own, “I missed the morning round and thought I would pop in to see how you are.” She had picked up on that ‘mind, body and soul’ and we got to talking. Several of her friends were Reiki healers and she was very interested, and full of questions. In the course of conversation I told her that I had asked God for a complete healing five years before, “I don’t think you guys are going to find a thing – this whole thing is just part of the healing process.” She asked if she could bring a friend another day – of course. After she left I suddenly thought, “They probably sent her as a SPY – to see how this crazy woman thinks. I’ll probably end up on the psychiatric ward!.” But she wasn’t, and she came back with her friend. I got a lovely letter from her
when I got home saying that she really did hope that God would give me the healing I had asked for.
One day I got wonderful PROOF: last thing on the Friday a woman came bustling in, very irate, to do a test for T.B. “How stupid to do this, OF COURSE if you have had T.B. it will show positive. If you get itchy forearms all weekend you can blame the doctors. I’ll see you on Monday.” And with that she left. Monday morning found her looking at my unaffected arms saying, “I can’t believe what my eyes are showing me!” To me it was wonderful proof that the memory of T.B. was no longer in my body.
I had to have a lung biopsy, which is apparently very painful – but I had little real discomfort, and everyone kept commenting, “For someone who has gone through what you have, you are looking remarkably good!”
It was determined that all the fluid was PLASMA – perfectly healthy plasma. But they had no idea where it was coming from.
By the time I left the hospital on the 14th day it was almost like it was all a dream – except that I had lots of bruises and stitches to prove that it had happened– and I was down to a size 14.
At the six week check-up the surgeon said as far as he was concerned, this was just a one-off. There was nothing ominous to be found, and if it happened again I could just come in and get it drained off. “Is that it then?” – “Yes – as far as I’m concerned. But medical aren’t very happy, and they want to see you again.”
The night before their appointment Jim was given a vision of me sitting in a cubicle in the hospital, speaking to one of the original admitting doctors. Next scene showed a huge backhoe digging a big hole in the forecourt of the hospital. Oh-oh! But the message was that the doctors were going to want me to come back in –
go, everything is fine, we are with you.
And the machine represented that we were going to ‘undermine the medical profession’ with this strange case. That’s precisely what has happened. They needed ‘bigger chunks’ as he so delicately put it, for they had sent samples to every hospital in Perth, and no-one could come up with the answer. Now they were going to send a sample to the electron microscope – THAT would show what was wrong. It would be many, many months before we got any results from that, nothing was diagnosed as such, “But it shows that the cell isn’t normal.” (I wouldn’t WANT it to be – after all the Spiritual work I have done on myself! This whole thing is about cell change).
That time around a procedure that they tried, sprinkling chemical talc into the chest cavity to cause scarring, hoping to stop the leakage – didn’t work at all. I was told that I would not be harmed in any way, with whatever they did to me. And again I recovered rapidly, much quicker than usual I was told.
We didn’t understand the plasma bit - until we went to do a healing for an elderly lady with a bad leg ulcer, the treatment was successful. She told us that she had had a similar one 10 years before; for a whole year they tried unsuccessfully to treat it. Finally her old doctor took some of her blood, separated the plasma from it, and put that directly onto the ulcer – which healed it. Now I understood what was happening with me – the plasma was healing my entire body. We were assured that when the process was complete, it would stop just as suddenly as it started.
That was in 1994. After all the work that was done I had to get the fluid taken off every 6 to 8 weeks, for quite some time. But I was perfectly healthy in every other way, and so I opted for no medication – and no more surgical procedures. I still ring up for my ‘service and lube’, go and get it done in the day ward, haven’t seen the specialist for some three years now – and no-one has come up with an answer. It is getting longer and longer between each session; only once last year! I feel the healthiest that I ever have – and I KNOW that everything is right on track..
Ruby’s story is something else again – you’ll have to read my book for that one!
Brenda and Jim? Hardly anything except the weight gain, but we are all slimming down nicely now – and without any diet or exercise, as promised.
Now I am not suggesting that YOUR healing will be anything like as ‘dramatic’ as mine – OTHER things were going on there. At the height of it I remember saying to Spirit one night, “You could heal me right now, couldn’t you” – “Yes.” – “Well why DON’T you then”
Because you have to understand the process, write about it, and teach it. You agreed to this before you came here. It will never be too much for you to bear.
And that was so. Looking back – it was WORTH it, every second – for I know a wonderful transformation is taking place.
STAYING IN THE NOW AND FOCUSING ON GOD was what got me through it all. That’s how you can use this power to get you through each and every situation, in a calm, positive way.
It was mentioned earlier in the lesson the importance of FORGIVING YOURSELF when you slip. This is a very necessary process, and one that MUST be done before you can walk the spiritual path. We also need to look back with HUMOUR! This piece says it all:
THE ESSENCE OF REMINISCENCE
We all dream about the perfect event.
We dream about the ‘perfect’ wedding, the ‘perfect’ partner or the ‘perfect’ birthday.
But when we really think about it, the funny stories we retell about our lives tend to be our memories of imperfection – the time when mum dropped the birthday cake, when your son slipped face down in the mud while showing off, and the time dad missed his surprise party.
So the next time you find yourself in an imperfect moment, remember that some day you’ll look back on it and laugh.
Then tell yourself – if I’m going to laugh about this some day, I might as well laugh about it now.
It is at this point that I take the class into the normal meditation, but then lead them on into a guided one. The only time, in the whole course, that I do. I suggest you tape this for yourself and DO it too. It really is a vital part of your Spiritual Journey.
Let me point out also, that to forgive is not to CONDONE what was done, but to ACCEPT - then MOVE ON. It is even more vital to YOURSELF than to the other person in your healing process.
So we will do this in the order that I do it in class. The wonderful guided meditation is from a book called ‘The Inner Dance’ – Diane Mariechild. I use a C.D. called ‘Temple in the Forest’, David Naegele, in the background – the music is perfect.
EIGHTH MEDITATION. U. S. Anderson.
The truth about life is the infinite love of God for all things. Each man is my brother, bound to me by immortal and everlasting ties. I love all people; they dwell in my Father and my Father in them. I surrender my heart to humanity, and humanity serves me with love. I surrender my heart to God, and the love of God becomes complete in me. I am one with all the power and vigour and knowledge of the universe. I let go of fear and confusion; they are illusions and cannot live with truth, which is love, which is complete and fulfilled in me now. The great reality of Universal Subconscious Mind is forever present at the centre of my being. I draw from it perfect intelligence, perfect health, perfect peace, perfect happiness, perfect love. I surrender all the built-up inhibitions that have been impressed upon me by the illusions of the world. I refuse to accept anything
but truth, which is always the good and the positive. I move in accord with Divine Intelligence. I accept the will and the love of God, which I express in laughter and joy and pleasure and service. Only the good, the great, the significant, and the constructive do I add unto myself. Nothing else is allowed into the creative depths of my being. The surging desire of each man is to know the fulfilment of love. The way to this fulfilment is through contact with the centre of consciousness, through communion with the silent dweller within. I surrender my doubts and confusions and fears. Universal love is complete in me. I am united with God, move with God. I am serene and sure, joyful and achieving, confident of ultimate splendour.
ALL OF US HAVE THINGS IN OUR PAST THAT WE REGRET. Something we feel we should have said or done, or maybe things we should not have said or done!
It is time to sit quietly now and focus on this. Realise that all events were stepping stones to get you to where you are right now. THE PAST IS OVER AND DONE WITH, and no amount of wishing or regret on your part can bring it back to be replayed. THIS IS YOUR BIGGEST LETTING GO. There is no way that you can change the past. BUT YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR PRESENT LIFE, AND THUS YOUR FUTURE.
REALISE THAT IT WAS PURELY A LEARNING PROCESS FOR BOTH YOU AND THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
FORGIVE YOURSELF, AND THEM, FOR PAST HURTS – THEN LET IT GO. ONCE AND FOR ALL. FINALLY.
LOVING AND FORGIVING BEGINS WITH OURSELVES. UNTIL WE FORGIVE OURSELVES, WE CAN’T REALLY FORGIVE ANYONE ELSE.
How can you not forgive yourself for being exactly as you are?
To find the God within you, you must go through the portal of self acceptance as you are now. Yes, all your faults and imperfections,
all your little secret fearful ugliness's that you are loathed to admit to yourself - are already known. They are part of the Divine Plan.
True acceptance is saying, “It’s all right, it’s all right. It’s all right.”
Know that you have waited for this time and that this is a very special ritual, a healing, a cleansing, in which you will partake. It is the ritual of forgiveness. A healing will happen on this night, when the moon is full. You are alone as you walk through the woods, without hurrying, yet not pausing; simply moving along, following the moonlit path until you come upon the still forest pool.
You look up to the moon and back down to the Earth. Then your gaze moves again, this time from the Earth back up to the moon. You acknowledge Earth and moon as your silent witnesses. With a prayer of thankfulness, you bend down and touch the water. A splash echoes through the night, soft ripples move outward. You drink for those who went before you, and for those who will follow you. Then, you drink for yourself. A clear, fresh taste on your lips. You step out of your clothes and slowly enter the pool. Each motion is deliberate, graceful. You are engaged in the act of forgiving yourself. Each time you dip into the water, you repeat your name, saying, “I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you.” Again and again, you dip into the water, repeating your name, first silently, then aloud, washing away your guilt, washing away your tears, washing away the pain of the
past, the fears of the future, allowing yourself to be all that you are. “I forgive you”, you repeat again and again, washing the pain away. Dipping in the water, again and again, washing away, releasing, forgiving, letting go.
When you feel that the act is complete, you walk out of the water, toward the edge. You breathe deeply and drink in the moonlight, reflection of your beauty, reflection of your love.
Taking the small vial of oil you carried with you in your clothes, you begin to anoint yourself. You touch each place gently, saying your name and “I love you. I love you. I love you.” You anoint your forehead, your throat, between your breasts. Gently anointing your body and repeating again and again, “I love you.”
When the ritual is complete, you step into your clothes. You pause again, looking from pool to moon and moon to pool, giving thanks, standing in silence.
When you feel ready, you walk back down the forest path on which you came.
After the meditations I read the following piece from Allegra Taylor’s book, ‘Older than Time’:
The Buddhists teach that the nature of life is impermanence and that all our suffering comes from our stubborn refusal to accept this irrefutable fact. Impermanence is our greatest fear, yet change is the only thing we can be sure of; and the most sensible attitude towards something inevitable is recognition and acceptance. Everything is constantly changing or dying – nothing stays the same and we can’t pin anything down.
Anguish and disappointment are bound to follow when we fall into the trap of believing things to be permanent and solid. In those moments when I trust enough to be able to let go, paradoxically there is no separation – just freedom and even dare I say it, enlightenment, or at least a sort of clarity.
I get glimpses of this truth from time to time but old habits die hard, and the instinct to cling on is hard to break. Loving your children well is giving them warmly to the world. Growing old well is about letting go of youth and accepting whatever comes next. THE NATURE OF LIFE IS CHANGE. The nature of growth is change.
MAKE LIFE RIGHT NOW WHAT IT ALWAYS OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN. THERE IS NO DRESS REHEARSAL. THIS IS IT!
Understanding the importance of letting go we can more clearly understand that wonderful little prayer:
God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I CAN - and the wisdom to know the difference.
Lastly, this classic was handed in recently – always remember it:
THE TWENTY DOLLAR BILL
A WELL KNOWN SPEAKER STARTED OFF HIS SEMINAR BY HOLDING UP A $20 BILL. In a room of 200, he asked “Who would like this $20 bill?”
Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple the bill up.
He then asked “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “what if I do this?”
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.”
“Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value in God’s eyes. To God, dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless..
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know but by WHO WE ARE!
You are special – Don’t ever forget it!”
Count your Blessings, not your problems!!